


Remembrance

by thefelixlee



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, but at the same time i do, i hope u dont cry, idrk what to rate this, im so sorry, love u guys, this is hella sadder than my other stray kids fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 14:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15439203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefelixlee/pseuds/thefelixlee
Summary: they all sit in a hospital room and they all remember thinking'i could've done more'





	Remembrance

~

 

Chan remembers when his mum told him that his cousin would be moving to Korea and would be staying with them for a while. He remembers being a little confused as to why, but overall happy because he loved Felix, because Felix was always great fun and just a great person to be around. Chan remembers telling his friends that his cousin was moving in with him and that he would probably be hanging around him a lot because he didn’t speak a lot of Korean. He remembers picking him up at the airport and the way the boy looked lost, but ultimately had a smile on his face. He remembers the smile wasn’t the same smile he remembered but decided to grab his suitcase for him and ask him how the flight was. Chan remembers how the once bubbly, happy boy turned into a self-deprecating monster who forgot how to smile and how to live. He remembers wanting to help but not knowing how to so he just ignored it, and that became the worst decision he’d ever made. 

 

Woojin remembers when Chan told everyone that his cousin would be moving to Korea. He remembers the smile on the boys face and the stories Chan told about the younger. He remembers when he first met Felix the boy was really shy, mostly due to the fact he didn’t know a lot of Korean. He chose to make small talk in English with Jisung and Seungmin but ultimately just sat with them and spoke to Chan waiting for him to either translate for him or for him to take him home. Woojin remembers when Felix finally began to become a little bit more open with everyone, talking for himself and making small jokes. He remembers once he was at Chan’s house and he remembers seeing piles of book sitting on the table filled with Korean to help the young Australian boy. He remembers learning Felix doesn’t sleep a lot, choosing to study the books. He remembers the subtle and hushed cries the younger made that night, he probably wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t gone out to get some water. Woojin remembers knowing he should have done something, maybe going over and just giving the boy a hug, telling him everything would be okay, but he didn’t he let the boy relish in his sadness and stress and anxieties and that became something Woojin would forever regret. 

 

Hyunjin remembers the stories Chan told about his cousin when he was first told about the boy moving to Korea. He remembers being excited, he always liked meeting new people and befriending them. Hyunjin remembers meeting the boy and wondering if this was the boy Chan told them stories about, this boy was scared and didn’t smile much, and if he did the smile didn’t look like a proper one, definitely not like the one in the pictures Chan showed them. He remembers the first time he had a proper conversation with the younger boy, a month or two after he moved from Australia. He remembers thinking that maybe he had judged too quickly, that maybe he was the boy in the stories Chan told, he just wasn’t comfortable in the language yet. Hyunjin remembers the times the boy would get stressed in class because he didn’t understand everything. He remember that Felix would spend hours in the library after school and even during most lunches. Hyunjin remembers wanting to tell the boy, ‘don’t stress, don’t worry.’ But he didn’t, he let the boy worry that he wasn’t good enough and that he had to be better, and that would forever burden Hyunjin. 

 

Changbin remembers not really paying attention to when Chan was excitedly telling the group about his cousin, he remembers not sleeping well the night before. He remembers wishing that he did as soon as the boy walked into the cafe with Chan. Changbin remembers wishing the boy would talk to him at first, but after learning that he didn’t speak a lot of Korean, he remembers offering to help teach the boy. He remembers sitting at a small table helping the Australian boy with his pronunciation. He remembers falling for the boy. Changbin remembers the day he planned to tell the other boy, but he also remembers the boy telling him he wasn’t feeling well and promising him they could hang out another day. Changbin remembers telling the boy to get better and remembers leaving the house. He remembers never being able to tell the boy he loved him, he remember Felix never fulfilling his promise. Changbin knows something was wrong that day, he wishes that he at least told the boy he loved him, whether it was platonic or not. He wished he told the boy that it was all okay, and to this day Changbin regrets being such a coward and regrets not being a better friend. 

 

Minho remembers not liking the boy when he first met him, he can’t exactly remember why but he knows he did. He remembers when Chan introduced him to everyone and he remembers the way the boy was shaking when he into introduced himself to everyone. Minho remembers rolling his eyes and turning his eyes back to his game. He remembers the first time they all probably hung out, it was at some shopping centre and he remembers seeing Felix stutter over the coffee order and he remembers seeing the shakiness return to the boy. He remembers feeling sorry for Felix, feeling sorry that he ever hated or felt the smallest disinterest about the boy, vowing to help Felix, in any way possible. He remembers hanging out with the boy one day and he remembers the shakiness return and he remembers asking if he was okay. He played it off as the weather was cold this time of year, but he now knows that wasn’t the case, and he knows that maybe if he did something a little more he could’ve helped a little bit. 

 

Jisung remembers Chan telling everyone about the boy and learning he was literally only two days younger than him. He remembers being really excited to meet the boy, declaring to Chan that they would become best friends and he didn’t lie, they did. Jisung remembers the late night calls and the dumb movie nights they had. He remembers living life with no care in the world, except stressing over what he would do after school, but even that he laid off thinking about. He remembers learning the two sides to Felix, the side he showed people and the side he tried to keep hidden. He remembers noticing the other side in a History lesson, they were giving speeches and he remembers knowing Felix was nervous and very scared, because he was still not that confident in his Korean. Jisung remembers Felix excusing himself from class to go to the bathroom. He remembers telling a teacher he was going to check on him, because after ten minutes he still hadn’t come back to class. He remembers seeing his panic attack and not doing anything, not that he didn’t want too, but that he didn’t know what to do. He remembers watching Felix carefully, but not doing anything. That became his biggest regret, because he knew that if maybe he mentioned something things would’ve turned out differently. 

 

Seungmin remembers meeting Felix and seeing something in him. He remembers thinking something about the boy reminded him of himself. Seungmin remembers the boy speaking in hushed English so he wouldn’t draw more attention that he already had to him. He remembers watching the boy come out of his shell and he remembers watching the boy sink back into it after only just a year. Seungmin remembers a speech that was given to them at assembly one day and how it was about this girl who didn’t think she was enough and how she learnt that she was. He remembers looking over at Felix and knowing he wanted that, he remembers knowing that Felix needed that. Seungmin remembers being too late. Learning that some people didn’t want help. He remembers confronting Felix about how he felt and he remembers being yelled at and pushed away, and he remembers not doing anything even though he knew Felix was at his worst and knowing he would have fixed something if he pushed a little harder. 

 

Jeongin remembers the smile on Chan’s face when he was telling everyone about Felix, his cousin, he remembers seeing pictures of Felix’s smile, and he remembers seeing his smile in real life. He remembers thinking the other was shyer than Chan let on, the tense shoulders and hestiants to forego to conversations. Jeongin remembers wishing he was Felix for a while, due to the way he could make anyone fall for his smile, he won’t lie and say he wasn’t jealous, because he was. He remembers the first time he saw the smile crack and fall before it was plastered straight back up after some random kid joked about Felix’s Korean. He remembers the first time he didn’t see Felix’s smile as bright as it usually it was, the boy had showed up at his house asking if he could stay over, a brief thankful smile made way to his lips before a fake one was put on and the boy asked if he wanted to play video games with him. Jeongin thinks back and wonders if maybe he asked the boy or pressed on the subject if maybe something would be a little different, and he knew he would always pounder the ‘what if’s’ and knew that was his greatest mistake.

 

Felix remembers when he was actually happy, it was before Chan moved to Korea, everything was better then. He remembers not noticing the way his parents hated each other. He remembers believing thinking they loved him. Felix remembers the day he realised all they were, was selfish people who would rather live lie filled lives filled with debt and hate then focus on the good things in life. He remembers the day he first wished he was dead, it was raining and he was walking home and crossed the road and one thought passed his head ‘i wish a car would hit me’. He remembers the first time he hurt himself, he remembers thinking he didn’t do it deep enough. He remembers when his parents got divorced and both were deemed unfit to look after him. Felix remembers meeting some of the best people in his life and he remembers thinking everything would be okay. What he doesn’t remember was the moment he started hating himself again, when he started wanting to be dead again. He doesn’t remember falling in love and hating it so much his skin boils. He doesn’t remember the moment the voice enters his head telling him ‘he wasn’t good enough’, but if he is honest he doesn’t remember a time when there wasn’t a voice in his head telling him something was wrong with him. Felix doesn’t remember the night he cut too deep and swallowed too many pills. He doesn’t remember passing out, and he doesn’t remember Chan walking in and crying so hard he throws up. He doesn’t remember being rushed to the hospital, his aunt crying and uncle holding his hand for as long as he can. He doesn’t remember Chan calling the rest of the boys and he doesn’t remember all of them showing up at the hospital blank faced, praying he wakes up. He doesn’t remember waking up and seeing all his friends, he just remembers feeling numb and then feeling nothing at all. 

 

~

**Author's Note:**

> hiii guysss
> 
> so this is my second stray kids fanfiction. u can check out my other one. its not as sad i promise. i hoped u enjoyed reading this and that you have a fantastic dayy
> 
> also u can take this as either felix died or that he survived, its up to you guys :)
> 
> follow me on tumblr if u want   
> @thefelixlee


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